The Job You Are Looking For Is In Another Castle
Mario is pretty much always on vacation. A terribly, terribly inconvenient vacation. Remember when Lindsay Lohan lost her passport when she was on probation and had to inconveniently stay at whatever foreign country she was infecting at that moment? Well, that’s Mario’s entire life… and just like Lindsay Lohan, he NEVER WORKS. He has to have the worst attendance record of any plumber ever. EVER.
Take the beginning of Super Mario Sunshine, for example. He’s on vacation, when all of a sudden, the s**t hits the fan. Mario is gone for DAYS, sometimes WEEKS. What was he even taking a vacation from anyway? NOT WORKING?
I don’t think a single Mario game has ever started out with him doing some actual god damn plumbing. I’d like to see that man work. I mean he’s always DRESSED for the occasion, yet we never see what he’s supposedly so good at: “plumbing”. Not a single poop-level, and not a single level where a wrench is used (bring it, internet; show it to me.)
Sure there are a bunch of pipes around the Mushroom Kingdom, but when does he ever unclog them? Do they even NEED to be unclogged? Flowers seem to live in them quite fine. And if the rampant man-eating flowers are that widespread in the Mushroom Kingdom, that means that whoever’s running or watching the plumbing there needs to re-think their entire strategy. If that’s Mario’s job, then it’s another hit for his employment record.
With this kind of resume, he’s damn near unemployable.
I mean, he DID have a short stint as a doctor back in the 90s, but it didn’t seem to work out because of monsters and pill colors. It doesn’t look like he even ever got his general practitioner’s license. Also, come to think of it, wasn’t he more of a Pharmacist anyway?
Professor Oak doesn’t even start out pretending to be a good scientist. At the beginning of the game, a man is supposed to be a SCIENTIST doesn’t even know if you’re a boy or a girl. Strike 1.
Not only that, but he is SO BAD at his job that he has children, CHILDREN, do his research for him. Not only that but he’s a complete and total dick about it.
He also provides your rival with the best Pokemon to defeat you. Also, he’s the best in the Pokemon training field, was a former competitive trainer, but all he can give you is a Bulbasaur, a Charmander or a Squirtle? Click here for why that sucks. Although it does kind of prepare you to get screwed out of the best Pokemon throughout your life.
In addition to constantly scolding you, which would make for a great competitive trainer if he actually had a REWARD system of some kind other than “kind words” ( click here ). And yes, Pokemon games do have their flaws , but cut us a little slack for expecting more from “the best in the field”.
BONUS: here’s a hypnotic video of Oak getting down. I’m not sure what this says about me (or you, for watching probably half of it), but I could watch this for hours.
Don’t take acid before clicking here to see Oak’s booty shake
Gordon Freeman is the protagonist of the Half Life games, he’s a theoretical physicist (yes, like Big Bang Theory) that was part of an experiment that unleashed hell on earth. (sarcasm)Good job Gordon. Way to follow those safety protocols and ensure that nothing bad happened. What’s the worst that could happen, right? (/sarcasm).
Are we being too hard on him? Well, for a graduate from MIT with a Ph.D. in Theoretical Science, we’d expect a little more. So yes, unleashing an evil alien menace on the world knocks you down a few pegs on “job performance”.
I would hate to think that there are a bunch of Gordon Freemans hanging out at the large hadron collider carrying around crowbars hoping for their chance to prove that a man and a crowbar CAN really save the world ( relevant link ) against aliens instead of just finding answers to the universal questions.
Here’s a video of what he’s probably thinking at all times and why he probably could have done a LOT more to prevent a LOT of what happened in Half-Life
Any Ninja In Any Game except Tenchu
HERE is a freaking Ninja. Feel free to look up “Ninja” (or just click that link) and you’ll see that the primary role of a Ninja is STEALTH. Espionage, sabotage, infiltration, assassination… all of these require stealth.
Ninja Gaiden, Bushido Blade characters, Scorpion (“GET OVER HERE!!!”… worst. ninja. ever… why would you warn people of what’s coming?), Sub Zero, Kitana, Joe Musashi, Gray Fox from Metal Gear Solid… All HORRIBLE ninjas.
They’re all about combat, not espionage or sneaking. Since when the hell is a flaming skull “covert”? How much deadlier would all of these guys be if they just actually snuck around instead of climbing walls everywhere in broad daylight where other ninjas can see?
Ninja Gaiden, for example, if there are 20 dudes in one room, sticking to a wall and attacking one of them or two of them at a time isn’t exactly being “incognito”.
Being a true Ninja is about sneaking around and most ninjas in video games do the exact opposite and the ones who try usually suck at it.
Medi Goron – Zelda Series
Medigoron is a recurring character in the Zelda universe. In the Ocarina of Time game he lives on Death Mountain where he runs a small Blacksmith shop.
When Link, as a child, visits this shop, Medigoron tells him that he’s going to build him pretty much the coolest, best weapon EVER, but it’s going to take him five or six years to finish it. FIVE OR SIX FREAKING YEARS.
Alright, that’s fine, we all saw Kill Bill (although not at that time), we know that a good sword is worth waiting for. Alright, he’s a big animal, so probably a stronger, more bad-ass Blacksmith than most, right?
So Link gets there, has to pay 200 freakin Rupees for it if he even wants it anymore, and gets a Giant’s Knife. Awesome. A strong, amazing weapon that will last you forev-wait. It’ll last you four swings.
It breaks after 4 swings.
Let’s repeat that: it breaks after 4 SWINGS.
This guy spent 5 or 6 years building you a sword that breaks after 4 swings?
Worst. Blacksmith. Ever.
The Storekeeper on Melee Island – Monkey Island Series
The storekeeper on Melee Island in the Monkey Island series is NEVER at his store. And when he IS there, he is totally willing to leave his shop to be pillaged by pick-pockets and thieves for the silm chance he has with a hot girl that lives hours away.
It’s not like this even makes it worth it, as she’s not even into him, most likely because the guy looks freakin homeless (no offense to our Homeless-Americans out there). She’s actually kind of freaked out about how often he visits her.
He does about as much work as Mario does.
True, they may be hopeless romantics with a love and lust for adventure, but when duty calls, you really just gotta pay the bills; and these guys apparently just don’t give a S**T.
So even if he’s a great shopkeeper when he’s around, like a lot of the people that are on this list, it’s not so much about his job performance as much as it is about WORK ETHIC.
Have you ever tried to “convince” this guy to go with you more than once? Twice? Thrice? Four times? More? He goes. Every. Single. Time.
El Fuerte – Street Fighter IV
El Fuerte is arguably one of the most stereotypical and offensive characters in video games. Why? Well, because he’s a Mexican who is not only a Mexican wrestler, but cooks for restaurants that serve everything but (if you live in LA, you know what this is an allusion to).
During his intro, you get El Fuerte being reprimanded by people who turn red and keel over because of his horrible, horrible cooking. Although he’s a Mexican wrestler, cooking is his passion, and he’s terrible at it. So, even though he considers himself a cook, he not only makes people almost die with his “passion”, but he joins the Street Fighter tournament for possibly the worst reason/backstory that has ever happened in fighting games: he’s on the search for the greatest recipes in the world.
Apparently, there’s no internet access in the Street Fighter universe.
Most Bowser Minions
Theoretically, all Bowser minions are hired help, and if life were like the College Humor sketch embedded here, it would be one thing. But if you hire someone to do a job, theoretically, you expect them to do more than just bare bones minimum. I mean you’re PAYING them, or at least giving them something to do.
Technically, since all of these guys are ostensibly hired to KILL Mario, they’re all trained assassins. ASSASSINS. Look at these guys. All of them. Assassins. Remember that Sylvester Stallone/Antonio Banderas movie from the 90s called Assassins? THOSE were Assassins .
In all side-scroller/platformer games you theoretically have people who are out for blood. In Double Dragon, people bring chains, etc., in almost any other games enemies shoot fire, punch you or hire death-robots to go after you.
What do the minions in Mario do (excluding Bullet Bills, Chompers and Bob-Ombs)? They freakin WALK TOWARDS YOU. That’s it. They do what they consider to be the most deadly thing they can to achieve their goal, their “specialty”, if you will. And what’s their specialty?
Walking TOWARDS an enemy. Sure, I guess that does take some balls, but as far as assassination tactics go? That is freaking. Lame.
Edgar & Sabin Figaro – Final Fantasy Series
Twin brothers both promised to a crown. Pretty sweet, huh? Nope.
First of all, neither of them really wants to be King, but they realize that one of them HAS to. So, how do they decide it? A coin flip.
These are terrible, terrible Monarchs. Because they’re tyrants? No, because a King really has ONE job: to make decisions. And they decide the most important facet of their lives with a coinflip? Weak.
So one of them ditches the throne entirely, Strike 1.
The other spends the rest of his life being the best King ever, though, right? WRONG. Edgar ends up spending his entire country’s budget on… jewelry? Prostitutes? War? No no, THAT would’ve been better.
He spends his entire country’s budget pimping his castle so hard that it sinks under sand. SAND.
Arguably the worst King in the history of games.
The Job You Are Looking For Is In Another Castle